New Digs, 24th Birthday, and Unwanted Companions

Hi y’all,

For the first time, I writing this from work, as I don’t have internet yet in my NEW APARTMENT! Lemme explain.

So after the living fiasco with C, which ended up not working out, because after ALL of that, her roommate decided he didn’t want to move out (thanks dude). So I was dragging my feet (figuratively and literally because I was sick for what felt like decades) on finding a new place, hoping that her roommate would reconsider. Then one fateful Thursday night (about 2 weeks before my birthday) I’m arranging my take-out on my bed in preparation for a couple hours worth of True Blood (I was really, pathetically sick) and I notice a strange black spot on my comforter. ‘What is this mysterious thing?’ I wonder.

IT’S A BUG.

And not just any bug.

IT’S A BED BUG.

Life erupts.

And so, if you’re wondering why I haven’t been frantically updating the blog (other than the fact that I, essentially, am cursed with the herpes of a New York existence) it’s because I have been holed up in laundromats, hardware stores, and Bed Bath and Beyond trying to find the magical potion that will rid me of this infernal torture forever. In the midst of this madness, I also began to look for a new apartment (because nothing, NOTHING will light a fire under your ass to do something like microscopic vampire creatures that make a nest out of your life). I scoured apartment websites and even enlisted my parents in the search, because working 40 hours a week and quarantining your life doesn’t leave you with a lot of free time. I was determined to find a place in Brooklyn close to C that was cute, reasonably priced, and not light years away from my work. I looked in Bushwick, Greenpoint, and (with the understanding that it, would never, ever happen) Williamsburg. But strangely, all the places that I found were not only teetering on the edge of my maximum price range, they were also super tiny, not very well kept, and it pretty average parts of Brooklyn. Because I was so desperate to leave my current apartment, I resigned myself to living in a really average studio apartment and just making do until I could live with S and C.

And then the mothership appeared.

My mum (being the amazing woman that she is) was looking on a website and found a beautiful studio apartment that was extremely reasonably priced. Extremely, because it’s in midtown. Yes, a reasonably priced, studio apartment in Manhattan, directly (and I mean directly) around the corner from where I work. Even though it sounded amazing, I wasn’t totally on board. One, it sounded too good to be true, and two, living in Manhattan? I never once thought that would even be in the realm of possibilities.

The week of my birthday, my dad came up for business meetings, and was super excited to go apartment hunting with me (he watches House Hunters religiously, so this was like a dream come true). We went to go check out the place, and it really, legitimately, is around the corner from my job. It’s above a sushi restaurant, and if you go onto the rooftop (yes, yes, it has one of those!!) you can see the Hearst Tower in all it’s glory (which considering my brief time as in intern there, is ironic (and yes, you may have just learned a little more about one of my many jobs this past year)).

In short- it’s perfect. And no surprise, I took it. I signed the lease (with my parents as guarantors, because what normal person just starting out makes 40x their rent??) on my birthday. Some people celebrate their 24th birthday with shots, I signed a 2 year lease (oh well, and saw Neil Patrick Harris in Hedwig and the Angry Inch, so it was joyous all around).

So while I now have a beautiful apartment that I love and adore, I’m still waging WWIII with the insects in my old place. Every day I travel about an hour to my old place with a laundry cart and bring back items that have either been dried for an hour on high heat, frozen for 48 hours in the freezer, or baked in the oven for 25 minutes (you think I’m kidding, I’m seriously not). I’ve had the exterminator come multiple times to do treatments (they’re coming tonight to my old place, and they’re coming tomorrow to my new one to inspect) but I keep waking up with bites (which can show up on you the next morning after you’ve been bit or up to two weeks later). The amount of mind fuckery that has ensued because of this is maddening. I can’t even begin to tell you how stressful it is, not to mention what a pain in the ass it is to walk in the door, throw your clothes in a garbage bag, stuff your shoes in the freezer, and promptly shower, just because I’ve set foot in my old apartment.

Side note- there is nothing more humiliating than going to a Bed Bath and Beyond in a bougie neighborhood (Columbus Circle), sweaty, dirty, and covered in bug poison, and asking an employee where the bed bug mattress cases are located, while rich housewives buying $50 stainless steel trashcans and $150 bamboo cutting boards stare at you in horror.

So folks, this is my life at the moment, brought to you exclusively from the front lines of hell. Stay tuned for the good bits i.e. when I’m no longer sleeping on a mattress on the floor that is surrounded by diatomaceous earth (bed bug repeller) and eating out of take out containers because exhaustion (and poison).

Don’t let the bed bugs bite (but seriously),

Jz.

Almost Break-ups, Housing Crises, and Israel

Hi y’all-

It’s been a while (also meaning it’s been a while since I’ve had a moment to breathe). Things have been a little crazy here from the standpoint that there is a ton of shit going on all at once, and it’s been overwhelming just to deal with, much less write an epic story about it. New shit is as follows:

 

Israel

Was AMAZING. To say that I had a religious experience would be an understatement. I felt a peace while I was there that I hadn’t felt before ever in my life. For once my head wasn’t full of a constant stream of thoughts, and I was able to meditate and relax and be connected to this incredible place that is full of history and life. I had a wonderful tour guide and great group of people, and for the first time in my life, I truly did not want the experience to end. I lived constantly in the moment, and allowed myself to feel and think so many things about myself, my faith (or perhaps lack thereof), the Israel/Palestine conflict, and so much more. I felt a deep connection to Israel, and I know my time there will not be my last.

Boyfriend

My Israel trip kind of feeds into this category a little bit. While I was in Israel, I met this guy, and for the first time since I started dating N (I guess we can start calling him by his initial), I became interested in someone else. Nothing came of it (by that I mean nothing happened) but it was a very strange experience. When I came back from Israel, I was such a wreck from jet lag and leaving this seemingly magical place I had encountered, and adding this unexpected crush into the mix was just all around bizarre. To make things worse, when I arrived back in the states, I went straight to Maine where N was working on a movie, and then everything kind of exploded (the worst bit of this, is that it was his birthday…I’m an asshole). I told him what happened (or really, what didn’t happen but could’ve) and he was shockingly understanding, to the extent that he even told me to message the other guy and see if it was worth exploring (spoiler: I never did). After a long (and strangely calm) conversation, we decided to take a break. For whatever reason, I just couldn’t handle being with him, dealing with leaving Israel, not knowing why I was feeling so strangely, and so on.

Less than 24 hours later we talked on the phone. The following weekend was 4th of July weekend, and he came with me to DC for a day (he had rehearsal the rest of the weekend in Ithaca), and then he dropped a fairly big bomb: instead of moving to NYC at the end of August, he could come a month earlier, specifically, July 21st. He would have zero money, because he would be coming to New York before he’d saved up enough, so the original plan of him moving in with me for a short while would now be definite. Needless to say, this kind of changed everything. (Also, in case you couldn’t tell, we’re kinda shitty at being broken up).

I thought a lot about the whole situation, and I think it was one of those things where I had just reached maximum capacity in regards to being in a long distance relationship. Considering that we started dating last March when we were still seniors at Ithaca, the vast majority of our relationship has been over the phone or in 2 -3 day increments. Do I still think about the other guy? Not really, other than a passing thought. Do I still think about what things would be like if he and I weren’t together? Rarely. I think my need for freedom came out of a spectacular 10 days where I was alone with my thoughts and able to explore new aspects of myself. At first I thought I had to be alone to do that, but I don’t think that’s true. There’s something exciting and glamourous about saying fuck it, and throwing your life away to be someone completely different. If you’d asked me in that moment when I asked for a break, I probably would’ve wanted to move to Israel and learn how to meditate and cook in Tel Aviv. Now? It just sounds more like a dream that’s nice to think about, but that I wouldn’t want to actually make happen.

So drumroll please: N is officially coming to New York. This Sunday to be exact. For good. And we’re staying together (shocker).

C

Speaking of living in NYC….housing (as always) has been less than smooth. My goal was to be out of my current apartment by September 1st, which C was on board with. Unexpectedly, one of her roommates decided he wanted to move out, so C needed someone to move in August 1st. I was definitely alright with that, and was about to tell my roommate (so he’d have 30 days), when C called and said we needed to talk about N.

Despite having known that N would be moving in with me for a while (even when he thought he might have more money, this was always the case) she decided that N could only stay with us for 2 weeks, because she “needed her privacy” and “that’s more than enough time for guests.” Obviously that did not go over well. Fast forward through a pretty shitty fight (I’ll spare you the details), and we haven’t spoken it almost 2 weeks. We’re meeting today to finally talk things through, but I’m not that confident that it’s going to be easily fixed.

Work

No real segue into this, but if my not posting consistently is any indication, work has been absolute hell. The new guy who I started working for had a stroke over 4th of July weekend. It’s really upsetting, because he is such a great guy and I loved working with and learning from him. He’s slowly recovering, but his memory has been affected, and it’s taking a while for him to heal and everything to come back to him. I’m really hoping he’s going to be okay.

From a work perspective, it has been a nightmare. Fortunately some of his books have been passed off to other editors, but I’m working with the two major up and coming titles, and I’ve just been drowning. I feel like everyone’s having a relaxing summer, and I am just hanging on by a thread. I’ve been working from 8 am until 7:30 sometimes, and I just can’t do it anymore. My other boss has been on vacation this week, so I’ve been trying to take care of everything going on with her books, and I just.. UHHHHHH.

Anyway. those are all the big things going on. I’m finally not going to be out of town every weekend (basically every weekend from end of April through Israel I was out of town and it was nuts), so I’m going to do some NYC (basically Brooklyn) exploring and try to love living here more. I don’t hate it, it’s just very intense living here sometimes. And I want to have S and C with me. And N. It’ll just be better when we’re all here together.

That’s all I’ve got for this week. If you’re reading, send me feedback! I kinda feel like I’m talking to myself.

Love, wine, and clarity-

 

jz.

Israel, Boss Man, and Eternal Internal Conflict

Hi All,

At the moment, I kinda feel like I could collapse.

The long and short of it is that due to the reshuffling at my company (and people moving on to other jobs) I now have yet a third boss. He’s a VP and Executive Editor, so I’m essentially working for him (for who knows how long, they haven’t said if it’s temporary or not), an Executive Editor, and a Senior Editor. Needless to say, I’m working like a fiend.

I have to say though, even though I’m working on quite a few sports books with my new boss (I’m not a very sporty individual in case you couldn’t tell) I really enjoy working with him. He’s really sweet and funny, and I’m learning a lot I probably wouldn’t otherwise. It’s a hell of a lot more work, but I suppose that’s a good thing– after all, one of these I’m going to say fuck it and go off and write novels, so I may as well work my ass while I can.

Updates are as follows:

- Le boyfriend is off in Maine shooting the zombie film. His first day on set is tomorrow, so we shall see what happens! I’m so excited.

- On Sunday I leave for Israel with my brother and sister, so I will be far far away for two weeks on Birthright which is fantastic (I could use the vacation) but also slightly bad timing, as new boss has to transmit 3 books next week, and there’s no one that is able to help out (fun fact: I’m the only assistant left in my department). It’s going to be an amazing experience though– I’m curious to see how it goes.

To be totally honest, I don’t really have much else to report (this could also be the result of having a massive headache from lack of food and from staring at a computer screen all day).

My final thought/confession of the day: I’m horribly conflicted. 50% of me would like to be a corporate CEO with a fuck ton of money and power who runs shit and creates beautiful books and makes things happen. The other 50% of me wants to get a ton of tattoos and a septum piercing, smoke weed when I feel like it, go to the gym whenever I want to, have my own organic garden, cook lavish vegan meals of my own creation, and write books all day long.

I don’t have enough energy to explain myself more thoroughly. Just know that I’m internally at war, and I don’t really know who’s going to win. Ideally, both sides will get a victory.

Until next time dolls (get excited for Israel recaps)–

 

jz.

Zombies, Graduation, and Definite Exhaustion

Hi All,

Couple exciting things to report, but first the initial recaps/weekend updates. I had an okay time seeing the boy two weekends ago (not for any other reason than it was too short and he had to work most of the time unfortunately). I saw a couple friends from Ithaca while I was there, and have been realizing in a more depressing/resigned manner how definitively over college is. This past weekend the class of 2014 graduated, and it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the concept that it will officially be one year since I left school. I gotta say, despite the loneliness, long-distance relationship, missing best friend, and temporary housing, I think I’m doing pretty well for myself. Especially considering where I was last summer.

Speaking of graduation, C and I had an AMAZING time in North Carolina last weekend at S’s graduation. Again, it’s amazing how quickly things move and change (that quote from Ferris Bueller is playing in my head right now, and I’m hating how cliched it is, but also how true). We met some of her friends that she’d talked so much about, and were finally able to put faces to names. It was so much fun (other than the bit where our flight got cancelled and we basically had to ninja our way onto a new flight because HELL NO were we missing that graduation.

In other news, the boy found out last week that he has this huge opportunity to do stunting/choreography for a B-list zombie movie that’s filming in Portland, ME. I’m so excited for him (even though he’s going to be mostly unreachable for the month of June, but then again so will I [Israel]). A lot of the actors he would be working with have had small roles in movies like Argo, or as fairly big characters in movies on the syfy channel (where he would do amazingly well). His plan is to make a lot of contacts there and hopefully he’ll be able to get film gigs in the future. There’s also been some talk that he may be a stunt double for the lead actor (which would be HUGE). I’m really happy for him, he’s worked so incredibly hard, and he really deserves an opportunity like this.

In other news, I’ve experienced by first corporate structure realignment (or whatever it is you would call it). Basically there’s been some changes to our company, in that different imprints are being moved around to different management. As a result, a fair amount of people have been let go, and others are being split up from their peers or bosses that they’ve worked with for over 5 years (this includes both my bosses). I don’t think I’m in danger of losing my job (other than that I suck, keep fucking up, and feel like I’m going to kill one of my bosses with irritation because I just can’t seem to get things right). So I think it’ll be okay eventually. We met with our new team leader, and she’s definitely tough, but I think it’s (hopefully) going to be okay.

Tomorrow I’m heading to Ithaca to meet ze boyfriend, and then Saturday morning we’re driving to Ohio to meet up with some of my family for my cousin’s bridal shower (this is the ehem… “interesting” side of my mother’s family, which the poor boy will be subjected to, but this is what happens when you’re long distance, you turn any and all events, awkward or otherwise, into an excuse to see each other).

To circle back to what I saying before about graduation, I think one of the big things that’s surprising to me, is how little in the grand scheme of it all that I’ve thought about it. Granted, this week/month I’ve been traveling every weekend and I’ve been inundated with book signings and work things, so that might change, but at this current juncture, I haven’t been as obsessed about it as I thought I would be. Perhaps it’s also because I’m trying to be so focused at work and do the right thing correctly, that I don’t have the extra brain power to think more introspectively (which actually, come to think of it, is fucking terrifying). Perhaps in the coming weeks, I’ll completely change my mind and decide that I’m actually horrified that I’m so far out of college and this is where I am now. Or maybe this is just always where I was meant to be–working on my own and figuring shit out as I go.

Who knows?

Anyway, I think that’s all I’ve got for this week. Stay tuned for more updates, and if you like what you’re reading (or even if you don’t) let me know!

Final Draft

I’ll be honest– I’ve been avoiding posting for the last two weeks.

I found out about two weeks ago that an old paramour (boyfriend isn’t quite right, so we’ll just go with this) passed away, in a very unexpected and upsetting manner.

I knew I couldn’t get away with not blogging about it. So I’ve been trying to figure out what it is I want to say, because as I’ve been saying to people over and over “I just don’t know what to feel about it.”

I suppose that hasn’t really changed, but I can’t really avoid not talking about it any more. I very much want to go to the service, but it’s a bit of a complicated situation involving paramour’s current fiancee. Granted, I have not seen him in almost four years, nor have we spoken very often, but he was one of those people that I thought about subconsciously more often than I realized (he’s from Brooklyn originally and we spent most of our time together in NYC, so I suppose it makes sense why I thought–and still think– about him so often).

It’s strange to have this constant/permanent belief that you will see someone again, like a silly movie “one-day-our-paths-will-cross-again” assumption, only to find out from nowhere that you will never, 100% ever, see that person again for the rest of your life.

Our parting four years ago would have happened much differently had I known that I would never see him again.

Perhaps the most confusing aspect of it all, is that while I was in Europe with le boyfriend, he sent me this page long Facebook message out of the blue, in which he essentially told me he regretted not telling me he loved me and taking a chance with me. Obviously I’m extremely happy in my current situation, and as he said, “who knows what would have even happened with us?” but it’s hard not to even think about it, or consider the possibility. Given recent events, I wonder if that letter to me served a darker purpose, a “last rites” if you will.

So being me, I went home last weekend and distracted myself by getting caught up in all the high school drama that was my little sister’s senior prom, and I’m going to Ithaca this weekend to see boyfriend’s show that he choreographed the fights for (Romeo and Juliet, how ironic).

The other bigger piece to all of this, is that paramour’s fiancee posted on Facebook about reaching out to her for details about a service. After a rather intense internal struggle, I finally did. I tried to be as respectful and un-threatening as possible, but I just don’t know her, and so didn’t really know what sort of audience I was catering to. I sent the message yesterday, and because of those bullshit stalkery read receipts that Facebook has, I know she’s seen it. I doubt that she’ll respond. While it makes me sad that I won’t be able to attend, I guess I really don’t blame her at the end of the day.

Other than this– nothing very exciting to report. Because the way my schedule is working out, I’ll basically be out of town every weekend for the rest of the month, so I’ll be very busy between S’s graduation, my cousin’s bridal shower, and my sister’s graduation. I can’t say I mind the distraction.

Below is something I wrote for my fallen comrade and former lover. It’s a bit more personal than I usually get while blogging, but I suppose that’s the purpose of the blogging game at the end of the day (and something I should probably improve on).

With thoughts and questions (because that’s all I’ve got right now),

jz.

——

I re-read your love note after you died

It’s funny how many open windows of understanding you see when the giver is no longer living

No longer taking up space on your emotional hard drive via internet check-ins and lazy questions of I wonder what you’re doing and if you’re happy

We assume that to think about someone is to set aside time for tangible thoughts, things like “I miss you, are you thinking about me, are you happy with your life, are you happy with her”

But how many times have I thought your name in my sleep, seen your face in the window of that Japanese place we used to go, remember the way you thought cigarettes were smoked best in a downpour—the rain filled my shoes this afternoon and I dodged yet another cloud of smoke I gave up inhaling—

Now that you’re gone I realized how often I thought of you without consciously speaking your name aloud to that other voice inside my head

On a train heading uptown at 7:47 am I mourned the beggar poet laying in wake in the far back corner of my mind, the poet that sat in a nest of crumpled sheets of reunions, meet cutes, drinks, and other countless ways that I had always assumed would come to pass with you in the distant future.

I always, always knew I would see you again.

My protagonist has died and our head writer is drinking it off in a bar somewhere and I did not choose this ending, you did not deserve this ending, I can write a better one I know I can—

There is nothing more hopeless than a writer at the mercy of a God who writes endings with razor blades, bringing together two lovers with booze and gun and making sure only one gets out alive

Please note, this ending is subject to change 

Please note, this ending is subject to change

Please note, this is the final draft, no further changes can be added

I once loved a boy who lived in Brooklyn and wore oxfords and oversized headphones— a South Carolina Highway Patrol trainee is dead and a woman is wounded after a domestic violence dispute this morning in Dorchester County.

I once loved a boy who watched anime and played video games and loved super heroes— sources say the woman called the authorities at 2 am on Saturday saying that her boyfriend had shot her twice in the arm

I once loved a boy who held me while I slept and liked to smoke cigarettes in the rain, who thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world— when authorities arrived at the scene no one answered the door

I once loved a boy who was equal parts debonair and silly, who danced with me like a was something precious to hold while making geeky jokes and making bizarre faces—police entered the home to find a man dead of a self-inflicted gun shot wound.

I once loved a boy who was thoughtful and courageous and wanted to do what was honorable and right—the woman’s name is not being released, but she is currently being treated for non-life threatening injuries and is expected to make a full recovery.

 

I once loved a boy who became someone else that I will never know or understand.

Rich Girl Status, “Novel” Writing, and Blade Runner

Well hello there!

To say things have been crazy doesn’t even cut it.

As usual, I’ll give you the bullet-ed run down of everything that’s been going on.

- Job from the Gods
New job is AMAZING. People are so incredibly nice and helpful, and it is light years away from the hell I lived in at fashion magazines. There are no politics, no egos, and people with bigger titles than the people at the high fashion magazine I slaved at, say hi to me in the mornings and treat me like a human being. Also, EVERYONE LEAVES BETWEEN 5:30 AND 6. EVERYDAY. It’s not even a big deal, it’s just how it is. I’m still a little shocked by it.
I’m still getting into the swing of things, but it’s going amazingly well. I’m very much happy here (and did I mention that I’m getting PAID? Like real money, not in favors, kindness, or bitcoins. MONEY. So much in fact, that when I checked my bank account after my first paycheck, I thought I was in that Shia LeBeouf movie where the drug lords wire money into his account and blackmail him when he takes it. I CAN PAY MY RENTTTTTT).

- Brooklyn living
Still living in Ditmas Park, BK. There was second where I was going to try to live with C (again) but I just did not have the funds to do it at the time. She was really upset for a while, but she ended up finding a (very small) cute place in Williamsburg where she’s living now. She wants me and S to move in with her in the coming months, but that’s contingent on whether her current roommates are down to leave when S and I want to move in. My back-up plan is to sign a six month lease for my current apartment with le boyfriend when he moves here (yes, I know), because he’ll need a place to live, and he really likes my apartment. Plus a lot of my furniture won’t fit in the place with C, so it would work out pretty well for all of us.
UPDATE: It turns out roommate is no longer planning on moving to Astoria, and is in fact planning on staying in this apartment and having girlfriend move back in with him. Soooo definitely hoping that C’s roommates don’t get too comfortable…

- Le boyfriend
Things are going very well :) We celebrated our one-year anniversary Marcvh 27th, and went to Virginia Beach so he could get re-certified in unarmed stage combat (how cool is that?). We mostly did a lot of driving to and from NYC, but it was a really fun road trip for both of us. It’s definitely hard being apart, but we’re doing well considering that we’ve basically been in a long-distance relationship for longer than we’ve been together o_O (which is just bizarre to think about). We’re going to Florida for Easter weekend with my parents in two weeks, which I’m very excited about :)

- Israel
Before this job I applied to Birthright because I decided that I needed to do some traveling, job applications be damned. Naturally when it rains it pours, so not only did I get accepted, but both my brother and sister did as well. So we’ll be going to the same program together in the summer. It’s going to be amazing. I’ve never been before, and while I’m most certainly not religious, it’s a great opportunity to see a place that I probably wouldn’t visit otherwise.

- Novel
So this is definitely an update that makes me happy. I’m finally getting shit done with this book I’ve had in my head since senior year of college. It’s evolving and changing and getting wonderfully complicated, and I can’t wait to get to a good place with it. I have about 30 pages or so, but a lot of it I have to rewrite, and I haven’t finished story boarding, but once I finish that, I plan to go back and edit/move forward. I’m really excited.

- Books
I’ve been reading A LOT. Like a lot, a lot. At this stage, I think I’m somewhere at a book a week roughly. I just went to the Strand and spent about 30 bucks and got four really good books: The Marriage Plot (Jeffrey Eugenides), Dune (Frank Herbert), Neuromancer (William Gibson), and Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (Philip K. Dick — the book that inspired Blade Runner). I also just finished Ursula Le Guinn’s The Left Hand of Darkness (which was okay, not as great as I thought it would be) and I have Stephen King’s It and H.G. Well’s War of the Worlds on deck (in addition to the books listed above obviously). So I’ve got a lot of adventures ready and waiting. They’re all stacked on the side of my bed that I don’t sleep on, and I think I’ve been sleeping better as a result (it’s weird I know, but boyfriend isn’t here, so just go with it).

So yeah! That’s my long list of updates. I’m starting to get into the groove of things here. It’s taken me a long time to be happy and find my place here, and while it’s still very much a work in progress, I think I’m doing okay.

See you next week!

Love, wine, and books, books, books,

jz.

Career Alternatives, End of Days, and The Usual Suspects

Tomorrow is my official last day at my current part-time job. I’m a little sad to leave, just because I felt like I was finally hitting my stride in terms of knowing what was going on within the company and being able to do beneficial work. BUT–

I will now get to finally be a (semi) adult human being who can fully pay rent, accrue savings (as opposed to living grocery trip to grocery trip), and finally get started in a realm that directly corresponds to my interests. 

^^ I kinda hesitated at the end of that sentence because I realized how haphazard my interests are. In case you didn’t know, I actually have a series of dream jobs lined up in case I decide that being in a cubicle is synonymous with prison. They are as follows. 

1) Librarian

- But at like the Library of Congress though. I would be very proper and studious in that everything would be orderly and clean, but I would turn by back at the cute nice girls in the back who were eating Oreos, and I would also wink and the sexy professor types. Once everything shut down for the evening, I would scurry to the mythology section and look at all the first editions of the fairy tales and contemplate how I would get away with stealing them (I never would). Also, I would absolutely rock the sexy librarian look (and you thought Peter Pan collars were juvenile). 

2) Book Shop Owner

I would be like Meg Ryan in “You’ve Got Mail,” but with better hair, a higher degree of literacy and knowledge of books, and I wouldn’t look at anyone forlornly and while whining (except if someone bought the last copy of a new book I was planning on reading). I would also be allowed to kick out anyone who questioned my decision to put all of Hemingway as far out of reach as possible except for The Sun Also Rises (everything else is just stacks on stacks of paper filled with monotony and misery). 

3) Tea Shop Owner

I went to this little tiny British tea shop when I was in London, and I’ve pretty much fallen in love with the whole process. If I could have my own teeny tiny tea shop that sold tea, biscuits, cookies, and crumpets the British way, complete with pastel/flowered mismatched china, tufted chairs, and a working gramophone, I’d be set. 

4) College Professor

I would be Professor McGonagall. I would grade your papers ruthlessly, but invite you to my office for tea and pleasant conversation. I would also make sure EVERYONE read the books, and I would spend my summers making lesson plans in a foreign country that pertained to the theme of my course. I would have a close (but not cultish) following of students, and we would talk about literature all the time. Boom. 

5) Crafty Farmer

True story, I totally fantasize about this. I would be a vegetarian farmer though, in that I would only sell dairy products. Any pigs I owned would be pets, preferably in teacup size (I would carry him in a front-pack while I gardened, and my coven of rabbits would follow me around as I picked things for them). Every morning I would feed my chickens, collect eggs, and make a variety of DIY home/bath products that I would sell alongside the milk/cheese/eggs assortment at farmer’s markets every weekend. I would have a great rapport with the other local farming families, but a special arrangement (not sexual, Jesus) with the kale man: I’d trade my eggs for his kale and it would be fantastic. 

6) Writer

This is the big and obvious one that I have full determination to actually make come true. I’ll live in some cute kind of bungalow in Cali and have a strict writing schedule that I adhere to every day (with time for gym runs of course). I’ll then release my book under pseudonym, it’ll get (hopefully) big, but as far as photos in magazines go, I’ll be completely anonymous. If they make my book into a movie, I’ll meet the stars only so I can go over script edits and things like that. I will be the Daft Punk of literature, or I guess a modern day George Eliot (except I will choose a pseudonym that isn’t overly masculine, like J.K. Rowling). 

So that’s the end of my list. Life updates are as follows:

1) Starting awesome, amazing, beautiful job on MONDAY

2) Still living way out in Brooklyn

3) Best friend hates me for not moving into a new place with her, because I can’t afford it 

4) Boyfriend is still wonderful, but still very far away

5) One-year anniversary with said boyfriend is in a week or so (which is WEIRD to think about)

6) It has been almost a full year since I graduated (holy fuck)

7) Things are starting to get better here, I’m starting to get more comfortable reaching out to people and making friends, so things are starting to move in a positive direction (AKA I’m no longer pretending to go out while actually binge watching Netflix and getting Chinese take-out every night). 

8) Oreos are my (not so new) vegan obsession. 

 

That’s my news! I’ll be back next week with updates on my new job!!

 

Ask questions, piss people off, and eat a fuck ton of quacamole,

jz. 

SERIOUSLY IMPORTANT NEWS

I actually don’t know how this happened.

But like actually, I’m kind of still reeling from it all.

Since the hell that fashion week happened, I’ve been slowly but surely getting back into the job application groove. So the other day I saw a job posting about an open position at THE BEST BOOK PUBLISHING COMPANY EVER. Essentially the company that it would be my dream to work for. The position was for an editorial assistant in the department that handles celebrity, pop culture, and humor books. Awesome.

So, even though I knew it was a shot in the dark (as the job application process essentially is) I applied for it. I wrote a brand new kick ass cover letter, updated my resume, and just applied.

Last Thursday, in the middle of the day, I get a surprise call from a woman from HR. After about a 10 minute impromptu interview (in which I was totally unprepared and kind of shitting myself), I find out that THEY WANT TO INTERVIEW ME.

Naturally, I spend the rest of the week preparing my ass off and being more than a little panicky about it. I take work off Monday and interview with a woman in HR (who was pretty scary) and the two editors I would be assisting (who were so incredibly nice and wonderful). My interview process took a total of 2 1/2 hours. By the end I was suffering from severe dry mouth from talking so much. Surprisingly, I left feeling totally calm. I was basically like, “if they didn’t like me, than there’s nothing I can do about it. This is just who I am and that’s that.”

After my interview I was assigned two mini assignments to complete for the editors (which I again, slaved for perfection over). They were due this past Thursday, and Friday (yesterday). Friday (during which I was in charge of running the fashion closet, which was totally bananas, but that’s a different story), I got a call from the HR woman who hired me saying they were moving to the next step, and that they would be calling all my references.

Later that day, at around 5 o’clock, I got the call.

I OFFICIALLY HAVE A JOB WITH AN ACTUAL WAGE AND BENEFITS.

I HAVE ESCAPED THE 12TH CIRCLE OF HELL WHERE INTERNS MUST EXIST AND HAVE LEFT THE INFERNO OF UNEMPLOYMENT.

I HAVE A JOB. I AM AN OFFICIAL ADULT AND NO LONGER A HANGER ON OF SOCIETY.

I’m still in shock. I’m putting in my two weeks notice on Monday for all my positions, after which I will be starting at a job that is exactly where I want to be. I can start my dream career and begin my journey to becoming a book editor.

So this weekend I’m snapping out of my borderline hermetic/agoraphobic depressive state and becoming  a person. I’m in the process of cleaning my room so it no longer looks like a take-out, Netflix addicted, depressed girl-woman lives there (well, some of that can’t be helped actually), and I’m going to start living. I’ve been hating myself for too long feeling like a half person for not having a real job and those days are finally over.

I FINALLY  have a job.

It’s a very strange feeling. I feel extremely…competent if that makes sense, but also still shaky about all of this change. People talk about how challenging transitional periods are, but you can’t really understand it until you’ve experienced one. Reflecting back on everything that’s happened since I’ve moved to the city, it feels very much like this was a lost year almost (I’m still looking at years in school time i.e. September through May).

I don’t want to waste any more time being unhappy, even if I am very much alone here other than C. I want to make greater strides in being outgoing and living instead of hiding out at home and feeling sorry for myself. So, I’m going to take baby steps to get out there and make friends.

So that’s the big news of the century. I’m finally getting somewhere. As opposed to peaking in college (not going to lie, I was pretty convinced I did for a while).

So, so, so happy today.

Fashion Week, False Resignations, and Desperate Getaways

Hello all,

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve posted, which I sincerely apologize for. It’s been quite a busy few weeks, but I’ll break it down in a nutshell.

1) Fashion Week- In addition to working more normal hours at the magazine company I’ve been at, I’ve been working Mondays and Fridays from 7 am until anywhere from 10 pm to midnight, AND from 5 until midnight on the other days of the week. This while also trying to write articles for my freelancing gig, apply for jobs, sleep, eat, and maybe see C every now and then. Needless to say, it’s been rough. Two weeks ago, I had a moment of clarity somewhere in between staring at an excel spreadsheet for 12 hours and opening invitations to fashions show that I would never be allowed to attend that I decided I was going to quit. I was so serious, I’d even had the whole conversation mapped out in my head, complete with back-up discussions, diversion tactics, and “break-in-case-of-emergency” conversation savers.

But then. They did that thing where they suck you in, and you go with it, because any shred of hope as an intern is basically a beacon emanating from some employment holy grail. I was gently ambushed by the assistants to the creative director (who is rather a big deal) and asked to be their intern and work directly for them. Naturally, I couldn’t say no.

What does this mean exactly? I guess it kind of means in a strange bastardized “living in an unpaid world” sort of way, I’d just gotten promoted. Fashion week ended last week, so I haven’t been able to work out with the assistants what my schedule is going to be like, or what sort of work I’m going to be doing. My plan is to not let them take my other three days though, unless they’re prepared to offer me some kind of temporary employment situation. I need to have time to go to the gym, read a book, and apply to jobs, and I just can’t do that if I’m working until 9 o’clock every night (because people don’t realize that if someone leaves at 8 pm in Manhattan, they will arrive home in Brooklyn around 9 pm). It’s hard to have a real life that is full a interesting if all your hours are devoted to sleeping and working in a office that has the money to pay you but doesn’t.

In this similar vein, I’ve come to the 100% conclusion that I absolutely don’t want to work in magazines. Like at all. I have no idea how I’m going to get out of this twisty covered wagon that’s careening in the opposite direction, but I’m doing my best to figure it out. I’m applying to jobs as much as I can and stalking the books department in one of the current companies I work for, but so far it hasn’t been fruitful.

I’ve been reading a lot of articles on the internet about interns lately, and how people are starting to take internships for granted as some kind of rite of passage that we must suffer through with begrudging acceptance. One of the many things that I find disturbing about it, is that many of the students that are being interviewed are between 24 and 29. TWENTY-NINE???????? AM I ACTUALLY GOING TO BE AN UNPAID INTERN UNTIL I’M ALMOST 30?????????? I cannot handle that. I legitimately cannot be an intern for the next 10 years of my life. It’s actually not acceptable. :Cue the articles where older generations call me entitled for wanting to support myself:

In other news, my best friend C who’s been living in Washington Heights is planning on moving out. She has a pretty bad living situation and has reached maximum capacity in terms of how much she’s willing to deal with it. I wish I could move into a place with her now, but I just got settled, and I just don’t have the resources or the time to move right now. She’s planning on signing a 6 month lease, so I’m hoping it happens sooner or later, because if it ends in August or September, than that would be the perfect time for me to move in with her and S (when she get’s her butt out of North Carolina).

In other news, I’m thinking about getting out of the country (unexpected, yes but also no). I’ve been looking into Birthright, and I think it’s something I might pursue. I’m by no means a religious person, and I’ve actively chosen not to take a stance on the Israel/Palestine issue (not for lack of care, but because I see both sides, and I have yet to find information either through word of mouth or via the internet that doesn’t have a bias of sorts) but I want to get out of the country and away from New York. I also think it would be a good opportunity to see a culture that my heritage is connected to, and see a part of the world that I’ve never seen. So that’s going to be one of my projects this week since the summer programs are opening tomorrow.

I’m sure that isn’t all that’s going on with me these days, but that’s what I have for now. In the meantime, I  plan on being much more consistent with these updates, because it’s rather hard to condense 3 weeks time into a single post.

Until next time fellow readers: stay warm, stay smart, and stay open.

jz.

Your Account Has Fallen Below the Required Minimum Balance: A Memoir

Hello all,

It is dark and snowy here on this Thursday evening in Brooklyn. I got home not too long ago for the gym (I joined a Planet Fitness that’s two stops away), and I’m feeling rather tired but glad I made it my priority today. I’m also sweating on account of the heat blasting in my apartment in combination with the spicy Indian sauce I made to go with dinner.

As you can see, there’s very little to report this week.

Although, my mum will being coming up to visit me this weekend, in a small moving truck with a lovely little couch, bookshelf, bed, and various other home essentials, so I’m really excited about that. Also my love is coming up next weekend, and we’re going to have an amazing time at this slam poetry show (!!!!!!!) that I got tickets for. The show was written by the founder of the slam poetry club at Ithaca, so I’m really excited to be going (especially since I missed it the last time it was running).

Otherwise, I think that’s really all that’s happening down here. I’m continuously trying to find more hours in the day to do things, but it’s very much a constant struggle to blog, have two jobs, freelance write, write/read on my own time, see friends, go to the gym, and cook. Sleep is not happening really (although we had a late start at work on Wednesday, and let me tell you- life looks pretty beautiful when you’ve had 9 hours of dead-to-the-world sleep), and I also somehow seem to be horribly broke. Like, “lemme-see-what’s-hiding-in-the-back-corner-of-my-savings” broke. As in, $3.25 in one account and $11.95 in the other. I’m essentially living on pasta and tofu until my paycheck comes in, which should hopefully be tomorrow or Saturday at the latest. (AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH)

So that’s all to report. I’m going to try to clean my room and unpack the half-full suitcases on my floor and put away everything in the furniture I don’t have, so my mother doesn’t think I’m living like a prepubescent high-schooler who thinks Lysol is a street drug.

Be calm, be observant, but always a little angsty,

jz.