It’s been a while (also meaning it’s been a while since I’ve had a moment to breathe). Things have been a little crazy here from the standpoint that there is a ton of shit going on all at once, and it’s been overwhelming just to deal with, much less write an epic story about it. New shit is as follows:
Was AMAZING. To say that I had a religious experience would be an understatement. I felt a peace while I was there that I hadn’t felt before ever in my life. For once my head wasn’t full of a constant stream of thoughts, and I was able to meditate and relax and be connected to this incredible place that is full of history and life. I had a wonderful tour guide and great group of people, and for the first time in my life, I truly did not want the experience to end. I lived constantly in the moment, and allowed myself to feel and think so many things about myself, my faith (or perhaps lack thereof), the Israel/Palestine conflict, and so much more. I felt a deep connection to Israel, and I know my time there will not be my last.
My Israel trip kind of feeds into this category a little bit. While I was in Israel, I met this guy, and for the first time since I started dating N (I guess we can start calling him by his initial), I became interested in someone else. Nothing came of it (by that I mean nothing happened) but it was a very strange experience. When I came back from Israel, I was such a wreck from jet lag and leaving this seemingly magical place I had encountered, and adding this unexpected crush into the mix was just all around bizarre. To make things worse, when I arrived back in the states, I went straight to Maine where N was working on a movie, and then everything kind of exploded (the worst bit of this, is that it was his birthday…I’m an asshole). I told him what happened (or really, what didn’t happen but could’ve) and he was shockingly understanding, to the extent that he even told me to message the other guy and see if it was worth exploring (spoiler: I never did). After a long (and strangely calm) conversation, we decided to take a break. For whatever reason, I just couldn’t handle being with him, dealing with leaving Israel, not knowing why I was feeling so strangely, and so on.
Less than 24 hours later we talked on the phone. The following weekend was 4th of July weekend, and he came with me to DC for a day (he had rehearsal the rest of the weekend in Ithaca), and then he dropped a fairly big bomb: instead of moving to NYC at the end of August, he could come a month earlier, specifically, July 21st. He would have zero money, because he would be coming to New York before he’d saved up enough, so the original plan of him moving in with me for a short while would now be definite. Needless to say, this kind of changed everything. (Also, in case you couldn’t tell, we’re kinda shitty at being broken up).
I thought a lot about the whole situation, and I think it was one of those things where I had just reached maximum capacity in regards to being in a long distance relationship. Considering that we started dating last March when we were still seniors at Ithaca, the vast majority of our relationship has been over the phone or in 2 -3 day increments. Do I still think about the other guy? Not really, other than a passing thought. Do I still think about what things would be like if he and I weren’t together? Rarely. I think my need for freedom came out of a spectacular 10 days where I was alone with my thoughts and able to explore new aspects of myself. At first I thought I had to be alone to do that, but I don’t think that’s true. There’s something exciting and glamourous about saying fuck it, and throwing your life away to be someone completely different. If you’d asked me in that moment when I asked for a break, I probably would’ve wanted to move to Israel and learn how to meditate and cook in Tel Aviv. Now? It just sounds more like a dream that’s nice to think about, but that I wouldn’t want to actually make happen.
So drumroll please: N is officially coming to New York. This Sunday to be exact. For good. And we’re staying together (shocker).
Speaking of living in NYC….housing (as always) has been less than smooth. My goal was to be out of my current apartment by September 1st, which C was on board with. Unexpectedly, one of her roommates decided he wanted to move out, so C needed someone to move in August 1st. I was definitely alright with that, and was about to tell my roommate (so he’d have 30 days), when C called and said we needed to talk about N.
Despite having known that N would be moving in with me for a while (even when he thought he might have more money, this was always the case) she decided that N could only stay with us for 2 weeks, because she “needed her privacy” and “that’s more than enough time for guests.” Obviously that did not go over well. Fast forward through a pretty shitty fight (I’ll spare you the details), and we haven’t spoken it almost 2 weeks. We’re meeting today to finally talk things through, but I’m not that confident that it’s going to be easily fixed.
No real segue into this, but if my not posting consistently is any indication, work has been absolute hell. The new guy who I started working for had a stroke over 4th of July weekend. It’s really upsetting, because he is such a great guy and I loved working with and learning from him. He’s slowly recovering, but his memory has been affected, and it’s taking a while for him to heal and everything to come back to him. I’m really hoping he’s going to be okay.
From a work perspective, it has been a nightmare. Fortunately some of his books have been passed off to other editors, but I’m working with the two major up and coming titles, and I’ve just been drowning. I feel like everyone’s having a relaxing summer, and I am just hanging on by a thread. I’ve been working from 8 am until 7:30 sometimes, and I just can’t do it anymore. My other boss has been on vacation this week, so I’ve been trying to take care of everything going on with her books, and I just.. UHHHHHH.
Anyway. those are all the big things going on. I’m finally not going to be out of town every weekend (basically every weekend from end of April through Israel I was out of town and it was nuts), so I’m going to do some NYC (basically Brooklyn) exploring and try to love living here more. I don’t hate it, it’s just very intense living here sometimes. And I want to have S and C with me. And N. It’ll just be better when we’re all here together.
That’s all I’ve got for this week. If you’re reading, send me feedback! I kinda feel like I’m talking to myself.
Love, wine, and clarity-